It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
be careful
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.