My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
O Wise One….
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.