does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Netflix and awkward silence?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”