*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home