Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
You Might Also Like
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*