me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke