I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
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ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Well, shit
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*