My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My dad.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ