The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Good point.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
True
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant