Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
doing some research
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.