I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.