Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad