20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You Might Also Like
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.