[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
when u come home smelling like another dog
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me, flirting😏
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
So the ex texted me
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
What?!?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”