[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.