[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
You Might Also Like
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Can’t. Being lazy.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*