We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
🙂🐾