*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Bit chilly again tonight.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.