If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage