6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.