Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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Goat cheese is for herders.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
🍛
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Breaking news:
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
buys donuts instead
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir