[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*