My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*