I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background