Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY