my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
groan^2
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom