I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Mouse
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
This is my bus stop.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*