guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
next level snooze
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”