My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
American Horror Story: Public Restroom