Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*