my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…