“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…