me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair