Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.