“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
even bears disappoint their mothers
beware of dog
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?