I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Dear Lord..