Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Weighing up my bread heating options
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
According to math, I’m broke
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.