I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.