me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Breaking news:
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.