I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Google reviews are always so mixed..
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”