It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*