Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
notice
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking