Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
can’t believe I got front row seats
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.