If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I ate everything, including the H.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My patronus is a cheeseburger
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?