Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.