My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
You Might Also Like
Thoughts
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
me, too, girl. me, too.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
A man of commitment.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought