My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Oh the world we live in…
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A leaf blower, but for people.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.