I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Mad Max Arctic Road
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
No, I don’t think I will.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.