Finally, an instrument I can play!
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
mom had nothing to worry about
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
More like Kate Missington.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.