#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again